Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in lil_p_jizzle's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, November 23rd, 2008
6:36 pm	adventures in Dyerville Yesterday DuDe talked me into driving to the ocean so he could see some guy about parts for his latest toy project. Of course I would go, I'm his girl! So we set off towards the ocean and are having a lovely drive. About 90 minutes into the drive we find out that we are traveling along the ocean but are totally going in the wrong direction along the Sound and have been for the past 45 minutes. Awesome. The day continued to be a series of events just like that. It was a long day. At least I wasn't bored. I'm never bored with DuDe. (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 2nd, 2008
8:37 pm	my head Day number two with a migraine. I hate feeling like my life is wasting away because I can't function or think or focus. Lame. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 30th, 2008
8:00 pm	mornings My early morning rising has been going pretty good. I'm up before the butt crack of dawn to have lattes with DuDe and then I am practicing yoga about 4 times a week. I realized today though that my motivation for getting my yoga done is weak. Granted it is motivation but it again is about stroking my ego rather than basking in the joy of connecting with my body. I would like to think that by acknowledging this I am making a stride forward to be able to change this continuous way of thinking. I would love to be able to get on my mat and take a journey into the bliss and horror that is my physical and emotional being. When I let go of my ego that is possible but those times seem to be too far apart. We'll see what tomorrow brings. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 24th, 2008
6:52 pm	Fear Fear of life. Fear of being too fat. Fear of being too poor. Fear of appearing uneducated. Fear of being unattractive. Fear of being alone. Fear of gaining a pound. Fear of strangers. Fear of those you know. Fear of failure. Fear of death. Fear of disease. Fear of accidents. Fear of germs. Fear of animals. Fear of bugs. Fear of abandonment. Fear of food. Fear of losing those you love. Fear of things you have no control over. Fear of letting go. Fear of allowing yourself to live in the moment. Let go of your fears. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008
2:18 pm	The power of positivity A very good point was just put into my head. What would happen when you are around a woman who puts her body down if you actively talked positive about yourself? I think it all depends on the motivation behind it. If done wrong it can come across as egotistical and a little mean. If done right it is empowering to women around you. Negativity is very infectious. When you are around negative people and you allow them to go off on the bad body chatter it will often rub off. You start thinking about what you could fix about yourself and if they don't like this or that about themselves and it looks like that, what must they think about you. Its all about ego and insecurity. Positivity is also very infectious but its effects are often delayed. When you talk good about yourself or somebody else the initial reaction is usually denial. The ego and insecurity get in the way. But a few hours, days, and weeks later that positive talk will come back to sound out the negative inner chatter. Being around positive and confident women inspires you to make more of an effort to be like that even if you initially still have the negative chatter in your head. From this day forward I will never say another bad thing about myself, especially in front of another woman who it could rub off on. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 18th, 2008
8:20 pm	feeling inspired I was watching television yesterday when I saw the training technique of a trainer that is very similar to my own. I loved what she was doing and was totally inspired to push my exercise creativity and myself during my own workouts and with my clients. I love it when the fire gets re-ignited. I feel a cookbook coming on. I feel a couple of cookbooks coming on. Not to mention another new workout invention. That is this week. It feels good. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
4:38 pm	smelling the roses I am generally in one of two moods when I go grocery shopping. The first is all business. I have my list and am often in and out of the store in 15 minutes. My second mood is much more laid back. I smell the dill in the produce section, I smell the flowers, I smell the bread, I walk down the coffee section on purpose just to smell it. Even if I am not buying any of those particular products I still take the time to smell them and to look at things in every aisle. Today I combined my moods. I had my list but still took out some time to smell all my favorite sections. It really only added about 5 minutes to my time there but it made it so much more enjoyable. Yes, I am on to something here. Grocery shopping just got even better. At least until I get to the check out. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 22nd, 2008
3:25 pm	work and work I have had an influx of people requesting to work with me. Its nice. What's even nicer is the response I am getting with my new approach to how I explain to people what I do. I have right out told people if they are simply looking to lose weight, I know of other trainers that I can refer them to. That instantly makes them more interested in what I can offer them. I flat out tell them that I am not interested in weighing or measuring them or telling them what diet they should be on. Again, they seem to like that. I tell them that although I can make their muscles hurt so bad they won't be able to move, my approach is gentler and again, they can find a different trainer if they are looking for that. My main ambition with people is to improve their posture, get them strong, get them thinking of how to be active without necessarily just going to the gym, and letting go of the lifestyle habits that are weighing them down. Its that simple. Oddly enough I am busier than ever before and my people are seeing results comparable and even better than they would see with a traditional western weight training, cardio, dieting, and weigh-in routine. Why the fuck are personal trainers trained to make people feel like shit when their job is to make people feel great? Damn fitness industry. I love it so much and hate its ridiculous extremes at the same time. Also in love with the fact that I have the freedom to operate my vision of what healthy exercise is on my own terms. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 13th, 2008
9:24 am	Funny thing about pain The past few days has been filled with a fair amount of physical pain for me. While none of this is new, it does bring up old feelings that I am trying to deal with in a new way. That doesn't seem to be helping at all today. It bothers me so much that I am literally twisted. It makes me sob that I can't really do anything to change that. I really try, oh God how I try. I try so hard to keep a strong front that it is just the same old back pain that I have had since I was 13 but it is so much more than that. I want nothing more in life than to be the creator of the amazing "thing" that will cure my spine. I don't want to be a twisted little old, hunchback woman that needs to use a walker to get around. I don't want to be a 40 year old with those issues either. Its not that I am weak or out of shape by any means. It has nothing to do with that. Even when I was the most "in shape" that I have ever been, I still had pain. It is part of me. I keep thinking of the song by Chevelle that says to "send the pain below." I do that. I've done that forever. Its when the pain that I send below resurfaces that I'm not sure how to have to deal with it. I can express my feelings and exercise and get all the physical therapy in the world and it still doesn't make it any easier to come to terms with the realization that I am crooked and continuing to twist. I guess the pain just makes me really sad after a while. That is after it also makes me angry and confused. Even on a good day when my body feels great, I'm still crooked. My whole new concept of remembering that this too shall pass seems like bullshit, because what if it never does? I'm not sure where this even came from. I really am having a good day. Its just that I'm having a good day in pain. (Comment on this)
Monday, August 11th, 2008
8:09 am	A morning of goodness This morning has been really nice. I woke up to my alarm and pushed snooze twice. When I got up DuDe had to get up too. Before he got up though he took some time to play with the puppy in bed. She is so cute with him. Its ridiculous. We sat and had lattes before he had to leave and I had a client. I loved being in the moment of waking up and just smiling together as we sipped wake-up juice and watched the dogs played on the floor. A kiss on the lips and a hug before we both go to work. I am done one hour later, he still has 23 more to go. Work was good. My client has been seeing me for a couple of weeks now. Her legs are always sore. Not really bad but sore enough to comment on it. She said it never really goes away when she is working out. I commented about a "friend" of mine who has fibromyalgia. What do ya know, this client has fibromyalgia, she just forgot to tell me about it. I find it funny how people just forget to tell you major physical issues. I guess its because she has never had a trainer who actually listens to her and does not want her to be in pain. Her past trainers have always told her the pain will go away after she works out for a while and feel like they are doing a good job if she is sore. Amateurs. I told her today we will explore the right way to exercise for her condition. And then she fell in love with me a little bit more. The rest of the day is going to involve cleaning and then more cleaning and then yard work. Maybe a nap in there sometime too. (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 9th, 2008
11:46 am	a firefighter funeral... I attended my very first firefighter memorial this week. It was intense. The man who died was a chief for the parallel department of my husband's. He died fighting a fire. He burned to death. DuDe had to work on the day of the funeral so I opted to go with my friend whose boy is a firefighter for the department that lost their chief. The procession included 200 firetrucks, 80+ cop motorbikes, and other public service vehicles. We got to the massive church early and watched truck after truck roll in from all over the state and country. I've never seen anything like that. We were told we could sit with my friend's boy but we were not sure where to go and nobody really knew either. Finally somebody took us to a separate green room where they were prepping that department of how they would enter the service and where the family would go. I felt way out of place at first because I was not an actual family member of anybody in that department and we would have to walk through a very long path of about 1000 firefighters standing at attention. My friend's boy said I could walk and sit with him too. I was very humbled and was hoping that would not be inappropriate. Walking was intense. I don't think I have ever had such good posture. The service was about 2.5 hours long, very sad and very filled with traditions and ceremony. They truly honored the man and his life. I cried through most of it with a few squares of toilet paper that quickly disintegrated into shreds and somehow stuck all over my dress. For the most part I thought I had the tears and makeup situation under control with a mildly sweating upper lip. That sweat on my lip was actually snot. When the bell ceremony happened I lost it again. They ring a bell to represent all of the fallen firefighters. Not sure how many times it is rung but each time I heard it, I felt as if it were penetrating my soul. I grabbed the box of Kleenex under the chair in front of me and quickly filled up 4 tissues. As if all of the ceremony was not sad enough, they throw in a band of bagpipes and drums playing Amazing Grace. I think it is impossible to have dry eyes when bagpipes play slow songs. After the ceremony we had to exit the same way, walking through a sea of blue uniforms in silence. When everybody was dismissed I went over to my friend's boy and hugged him tightly and thanked him for allowing me to walk and sit with them. We embraced for a moment just crying. That night we skipped the reception and instead met a small group for dinner. I was so thankful for the people who I call my fire family. They are so accepting and ready to be there for you no matter what. They really take care of each other and each other's family. It has been an intense and emotional week. I have surrounded myself with other "wives" so we can talk about what we feel. It's funny, I can't really talk about this stuff to most people because they have no idea what it is like to think that the person you love the most could go to work and never come back- every time they go to work. Most people don't understand how much of a relief it is to have your husband come home in the morning after a shift and that he could be hurt or killed at any call during the time he is away from you. And most people don't understand what it is like to spend so much time without your spouse because he is at his other house with his other family. It has taken a little while for me to understand the magnitude of what it means to have a "fire family" but I am now totally getting it. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 2nd, 2008
2:28 pm	fire family It's been a tough week for my fire family. A fire chief for our local department was killed while working in Cali on a forest fire. He was overtaken by the fire and died in his emergency fire shelter. What a horrible way to die. Before leaving for Cali, he and his wife had a date night with dinner and a movie. They slept in together, which they apparently never do and as he was leaving she pulled him in and said, "Kiss me like we are never going to see each other again." A little chilling but very sweet at the same time. His funeral is going to be next Thursday. It will be my first firefighter funeral and hopefully my last. I've been told that they are really tough and a few hours long complete with procession and bagpipes. DuDe unfortunately is going to be working so I am going with friends. Pretty sure I will still see DuDe there since he will be on duty. I passed up a weekend of partying at Seafair with my party friends to have a chilled out weekend with my fire family. It seems most appropriate to be mellow, reflective, and with my fire family who I really appreciate. (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 31st, 2008
8:41 pm	My damn puppyhead My big dog and my miniature puppy were running around this morning, as they do every morning. They chase each other and it is way cute. However, today the little one got stepped on or did something to her back leg and let out a major cry. It was such a cry that even the cat who hates the dogs came over to check on her. Needless to say she is not putting any weight on it at all. She is now a tripod dog. I have been through a few broken dog legs in my time and I know it is not broken but I'm pretty sure it is a soft tissue injury. She is still eating and crapping and drinking and really, really wants to play and run around on her three legs. I feel so bad for keeping her in her kennel for most of the day but she is already showing signs of her leg feeling better. She is clearly not uncomfortable because she is able to stretch and lay on her leg, she just won't put any weight on it. If there is no improvement tomorrow, I'll be taking her in. Actually I am pretty sure that DuDe will be taking her in as soon as he gets home and sees the living tripod. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 29th, 2008
3:25 pm	ten things I want out of a home... We are currently house hunting. I like the process, mostly because it is fairly laid back right now and we do not need to actually buy anything fast. Figured I should write down what exactly I am looking for so it becomes easier to find. 1) Location. 30 minute drive for DuDe to get to work (or less). Not in a ghetto neighborhood. 2) Small house. I do not need nor do I want to take care, fill, or clean a big house. 3) Fenced yard. Or at least a kennel area for my pups. 4) Limited updating. For sure we would be customizing anything we move into no matter, but small projects please. 5) Big shop/garage. Hello, the boy has a lot of toys and tools. He needs his space. 6) Properly laid out driveway for easy parking of the toys. 7) Some type of studio space for my work or at least a workout room if I end up working away from home. 8) Space for a greenhouse or at least a garden. 9) Nicely landscaped, or at least the potential for a nice yard. 10) Feeling of privacy but close to amenities. I don't think any of this is too much to ask. Oh wait... #11) In our price range and maybe a hot tub. Still not too much to ask. Okay. Now it will happen. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 12th, 2008
10:16 am	facebook I recently found a very old friend from my mid-teen years on Facebook. When I knew her she was 19 and was secretly dating a 17 year old who lived one street over and attended the same religion. The religion forbid them to date since they were too young to get married and he was not baptized although she was. It didn't help that they lived in a town with a population of 3,000 and they were constantly being watched and scrutinized for everything they did. Fast forward a couple years and she ends up marrying some other guy. A total loser from a different town. Same religion. It didn't last. I lost touch with her during those years until now since we were in different towns and circles. The only thing I knew about that marriage was that he could not have an orgasm without her finger in his ass. Not sure if that is actually true but it seemed like a lot of information to be floating around and it seemed to suit my perception of him. Fast forward a little bit more. She cheats on her husband with her high school sweetheart. There is a divorce and she ends up marrying her original love who now has three kids. I smiled when I heard they were finally together. So how much easier would it have been if they would have been allowed to be together from the start. Not to say that it was the right time for them or that it would have lasted, but it just seems like one more example of how religion has a powerful way of influencing people through peer pressure to not always make the choices that will serve them in the long run. How many people do I know who got married really young because they would have otherwise gotten in trouble for having premarital sex. Most of those people are now divorced or unhappy where they are in life. I find it all very ironic. (Comment on this)
Monday, June 30th, 2008
11:04 pm	more tat stuff Being in a bikini for the past three days has brought on the usual questions about my tat. I am generally amused by the people who don't like tats and are uncomfortable with the idea that I want more. Well really, I just want to finish what I started. I would only ever have my tattoo on my back and only if I designed it and only if it meant something that moved me every time I look or think about it. So, its not on my lower back like every other unoriginal chick out there. It is basically going to be where my spine starts to really turn and twist and finish where my ribs are constantly trying to touch on my right side. Sometimes I feel like my back is a whole other person that is attached to me. That person has no way to express itself except through art because honestly, nobody really gets it. So I will allow it to create something beautiful to finally express what it really feels. I've been having this thought all day and every time, it makes me tear up. I've been through so much with this "person" and we totally deserve a way to express what we both feel inside. Lately I've been really drawn to the concept of "This too shall pass." Those words make me stop and breathe every time I think or see them. Its not only that bad things that you experience will soon pass, but the good moments that you experience need to be lived in and appreciated because they will also pass. I love that. I'm trying to configure some kind of ambigram mixed with a few symbols to put it all together. I'll probably get it this fall before the year is out. I'm thinking in all black, because that would be bad ass. I'm also thinking of getting it in brown so it looks like a birthmark. Not sure what that would look like. (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 31st, 2008
11:23 am	fitness stuff I am back on a solid mix of cardio, strength-training, pilates, and yoga. Finally, and it feels great. I would like to think that in the next two weeks I will pull together the bikini body that I feel good sporting when mostly naked in public. I find it amusing that I try to jam results into two weeks. How very regular of me. I am back to meeting with other trainers about starting an outdoor boot camp. Not sure how committed I am to the project, but it will be a great way to build up my clientele for the slow season. Plus the extra cash would be appreciated. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008
1:58 pm	barfing This morning I met a client for a lovely outdoor workout. Took Sinatra with me for some time in the park and she was a big hit, as usual. As the workout was coming to an end, the headache that I had kind of felt upon waking intensified. On my drive home I broke into a sweat and had to concentrate really hard on deep breathing and not closing my eyes too long. 10 minutes later I found myself stopped at an intersection and having to vomit. Opening my door was not an option. I grabbed an almost empty water bottle and things started coming up. I got a small amount of it in the bottle. The rest spewed all over myself and my car. Then I puked twice more. There are few things, like barking when you have no where to barf, that will humble you more or make you feel like a child that has no control and doesn't know what to do. I drove 10 more minutes home, cleaned my car while everything was wet, stripped down by the washing machine, and crawled into bed where I passed out for 2 hours. Migraines are a funny thing. There is no way I could have predicted that this one would have gotten so aggressive so fast. It is just a reminder to roll with life when you have no control over what is happening to you or around you. DuDe suggested I travel with Ziploc baggies with me for such emergencies. I just may after this episode. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 20th, 2008
8:40 pm	vizzle So I'm watching the finale of American Idol and I totally feel like they are grooming the audience to favor the younger guy. It's weird. I'd be surprised if the other guy wins because of it. Damn television producers trying to shape what we like and how we think. Fuck this show for making my first blog in weeks about a damn singing competition. Damn vizzle. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 7th, 2008
5:58 pm	Sinatra Puppyhead After 9 weeks of staring at puppy pictures online we finally went and picked up our new girl. On the drive down to Portland I found myself getting excited butterflies. The pickup was fast and we switched off who drove on the way home so we could both have a chance to hold her. She is so little and fluffy and cute. As we went to bed the first night she started to cry in her crate. Nuts. After a few minutes of howling she finally calmed down. Four rounds later she settled into a sleep. Around 5a.m. I woke up to our new puppy jumping back and forth between DuDe and myself. He figured she needed some attention. He is madly in love with her. So far the potty training is going fairly well. Now that we have a system down she has gone two days without an accident. That is really awesome after just 4 days! My other animals are not sure what to think about her yet. The cat watches her closely and the puppy seems to know that it is wise to leave that particular animal alone. The old dog is a different story. He didn't really like how much attention she was taking away from her or how she bounces circles around him. They played together for the first time this morning. The puppy got too crazy and the dog gave her a growl. Then puppy figured out that she is a herder. She runs super-fast circles around whoever she can and then plops herself down to watch. It is way too cute and hilarious. As far as getting a new puppy goes, it is a lot of extra work but she is such an awesome addition to our house that it is totally worth all the hassle. (1 Comment |Comment on this)